You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
