I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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