No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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