she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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