if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
