if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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