i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
