She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?