woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
