I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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