You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
