I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
