Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
