your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
