I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
