I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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