i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
