you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
