just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
