I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
True but thats because hes a fetus.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests š
At least Iām an āessential employeeā and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesnāt ask why Iām essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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