o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
