I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
