my shit smells like andre
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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