my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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