i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
