I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
