Porn is love you can see.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Randomize
