Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.