The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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