So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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