I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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