I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
