Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
