Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
