I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
