I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
