I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
