she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
