He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
