last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
