I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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