Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
