My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
