He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
