When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
