Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
