omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
