she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
