and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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