his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
