The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
