My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
