Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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