I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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